Detecting Blondes

[Disclaimer: I hope it is evident that this was written jokingly. It was targeted at a blonde friend of mine who does not at all match the below description.]

Like any object that surrounds us, taking a brief moment of time to analyze the piece–especially when surrounded by both those of a similar and diverse nature–readily brings forth a plethora of similarities and differences (of vast and narrow ranges), in which the item can be classified, categorized, grouped, arranged, and so forth.

Funnily, people are often the same way–just like little objects meant to be poked, prodded, documented, and separated for accurate categorization. I have sat, the pencil’s eraser tap-tapping away at my lower lip thoughtfully, and just watched people, an external observer meaning to gather a true comprehension of those that surround him. It is interesting, those peculiar little things that people do without any sort of conscious awareness. It’s ingrained into them, based on their genetic archetype.

Let us take for an example blondes, the American classic of stereotypes. They can be observed as falling into a number of closely related categories: fit, dumb, and a hybrid of outgoing and shy. A blonde is easily detectable, even if their hair is masked by some sort of disguise–it’s impossible for them to truly blend. They work out like it's the only way to rid themselves of a horrendous, vicious virus–any weight that puts them in the healthy zone is seen as a threat to their life as they know it. Beside, how can the small straps of their favorite Prada slip onto their arm unless they fit this part of the categorization? They’re not entirely dumb, intelligence is locked away in a deep chamber in their head, though the key is forever lost and the lock is too complex of a tumbler arrangement to duplicate. They stand one foot in the final of categories: one in the shy, the other in outgoing, remaining persistent and outgoing when the opportunity suits them best, and others worst: a sharp raising of the hand, smacking of their gums as they chew obnoxiously on their gum, they are genetically programmed to ask the most invasive question at the worst time possible. They are shy, however, in revealing any sort of intimate details of their own. I suppose that’s a play on the antiquated philosophy of never inquiring about a girl, let her make the first move.

Knowing these three simple categories will save much time and hassle when trying to learn about someone, whether they be a blonde or someone who associates with one. A blonde, it is well known, will always be in designer fashion and therefore impossible to cater to. They’ll eat nothing but the richest of food, and I don’t mean in the sugar content sense. They will purse their lips often in distaste, meaning that the makeup bill will skyrocket even further, and their ongoing gum chewing will mean that one’s wallet is often extracted to make a down payment on the next batch. Beware however, those who are less familiar with blondes: appealing to any of these qualities to appease a blonde will mean that the bank account is empty, the wallet tattered and void of any green, and the blonde left unhappy. If she is unhappy, it can be inferred from those obnoxious qualities that she are stuck with, everyone is unhappy.

Their ‘friends,’ even if their natural hair color is luckily not blonde, are dangerous folk as well and should therefore be avoided at all costs. They are the exact opposite of blondes and yet, in this simple act of association–the ability to tolerate their existence and many faults–they can readily be quarantined into the same zone. They will try to lead everyday lives, but it can be readily understood that backstabbing is only a knife’s point away. Anything to appease that blonde.

Those of that golden hair are not so common, of course. They are rare enough to come by to make life tolerable, but common enough to make contact unavoidable. Still, even if in an area in which the golden population is at a low, these simple qualities should still be memorized. Knowing whether someone fits them informs whether or not they are a blonde. More importantly, however, knowing that they do not suffer these attributes verifies the likelihood that they are well-meaning, trustworthy people.